I’ll take a coffee IV, Jeeves…

Standard

Mornin’ all.

I’m trying for peppy today, really I am. I’m already on my second cup o’ joe, I’ve got this catchy song by Dengue Fever playing through my headphones, and I’ve already put on real pants.

REAL PANTS.

It’s just not working, though. I just don’t feel like I’ve got any oomph, and I’ve got to find it somewhere. I brashly made a bet with my husband last night that I’d get a particularly difficult repair patch welded into the car by the time he got home from work today. It was a bet that may or may not have been thought up after a few margaritas…

“Oh, Bethie.”

Don’t sound so disappointed in me. Okay, it was a tad bombastic. I’ll cop to that. However, it’s still not completely out of the realm of possibility. If I can just rally…

You know what always perks me up on a drag-ass morning? (cue the theme music and go-go dancers) It’s time for a….

***HEADLINE ROUNDUP***

That’s it! Why didn’t I think of it sooner? Perhaps because it’s been so long since I’ve done one. Well, let’s remedy that right now and jump right in and…

“Not to be rude, Bethie, but what the hell is a headline roundup?”

Boy, it HAS been a long time, hasn’t it? Back in the day, when I used to only do this Musing stuff for my friends and family, I’d sometimes Muse on silly headlines. I scour the major news sites, and some that wish they were major, to find headlines that are ridiculous, vague, or poorly worded, and share them with you. With commentary. See? Fun! So let’s get started. I love a good roundup!

– Woman Stops to Help Ducklings, Gets Ticket
“No one helps ducklings, lady. Not on MY watch.”

(See how it works? Headline first, REAL headline, then tidbit from me, completely made up and usually having nothing to with the actual article. I told you it was fun! Let’s keep going…)

– Suspicious Bag Outside Supermarket Contained Laptop
Remember when a bag someone forgot was just added to lost and found without being news?

– Mont Vernon Man Accused of Yelling, Firing Shots
In all fairness, he WAS stuck in Mont Vernon. The reaction to the circumstance seems completely reasonable to me…

– Child’s Fugitive Hunt a Wish Come True
Is it just me, or does Make-a-Wish seem to be running low on ideas?

– Coloradans Say No to Pot in Bars and Clubs
Bahahahahaha! *wipes eye* Good one.

– Is Drinking With Your Kids a Good Idea?
Well how else are you supposed to get the little bastards to conk out early?

– Millionaire Arrested After Exposing Himself, Urinating on Candy in Public
We were fine with the flashing, Ted, but when you pissed on the lollipops and gumdrops, you crossed a line. The GUMDROPS, Ted. *shakes head*

– Florida Town Stunned by News of Police KKK Ties
Rest of America Frankly Expected Worse from Florida

– 12 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Babe Ruth
Wow. TMZ’s really hurting for stories these days.

– You’ll Never Guess Which State Just Became a Haven For Painkiller Abusers
Give me 50 tries and I bet I could nail it.

– Looting in Paris as Europeans Protest Against Fighting in Gaza
Way to fight the good fight, France. I’m sure those embroiled in the actual conflict appreciate you bashing out your own store windows and setting your own cars on fire.

– Vandals Smear Cars with Baked Goods
O, the humanity!! There are some sick, sick people in this world.

– Soldier Attacked by Bear During Military Training Exercise
US Military Admits There “Might be a good reason the Romans stopped with the whole gladiator thing after all”…

– Iraq Catholic Leader Says Islamic State Worse Than Genghis Kahn
Not to sound harsh, but…IRAQ. What did you really think it was going to be like??

– Judge Tosses Wisconsin Senator’s Health Care Suit
“Aw, come on, your honor! I just had that pressed!”

– LeBron James Begins Tour of China
So?
…no, I mean it. Why is this news?

– New Orleans Putting Smoked Butts in Better Place
They’re happier now. They can finally be at peace.

– American Teen Beaten in Mideast Talks About Ordeal
…and the world hushes the millions of Arabic teens living this horror on a daily basis to listen to the one American it affected that single time…

– Chinese Army Shows Off Dancing Robots
I honestly hope this means future wars will be settled with epic dance throw downs.

– In Florida’s “Sinkhole Alley”, Another Massive One Swallows Street
In other news, fire is hot and water is wet. More on these breaking stories as it develops.

– Americans Have Some Awful Ideas About Fixing Congress
This one was clearly from the No Shit Gazette. Along with the sinkhole thing.

– Beef Pollutes More Than Pork, Chicken, Study Finds
They really needed a study to prove that animals that are twice as big as pigs and a bazillion times as big as chickens cause more pollution to raise? Looks like the No Shit Gazette is having a red banner day!

– Mormon Church Hasn’t Budged on Gender Roles in 40 Years
Huh. They seem to be such a progressive lot…

– World Breaks Monthly Heat Record 2 Times in a Row
See kids? If you try hard enough, you can accomplish anything!

– China Will Not Fill US Void in Afghanistan
But…but…I was really looking forward to Chinese robots subduing insurgents with sick dance moves.

– Obama Says There’s More Than One “Authentic Way of Being Black”
Authentic ways of being black: 1. Be black. 2. *crickets* Hm.

– China Says Spy Ship Operations “In Line with International Law”
OH, okay. THAT’S where all the robots are. Guess it makes sense that fabulous dancing robots would all be…*cue disco music* In the navy! Where they can sail the seven seas…*sweet dance pose*

…oh stop rolling your eyes. That worked out perfectly and you know it.

Thus concludes a Roundup Musing for Tuesday, July 22, 2014. Seems like this worked. I’ve got pep in my step and am rarin’ to go now! Course, my heart is racing and my eyes are jittery, so the pep could be from that third coffee…

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